I have been told that I am “beautiful” for a while. I knew what pretty was, but “beautiful”… well, I could not really understand that one. I responded every single time for a while, “I’m not beautiful, I Dorian.” My Mama and Daddy laughed at me, but I was serious. I know who I am… I AM DORIAN.
The other day, though, my sister Adalyn took me upstairs to her room, and she put me in some of her dress clothes that she is too big for now. I tried on dress after dress, and Adalyn called down to my Mama and told her that she couldn’t come up to see what we were doing. Mama usually won’t listen to that one because it can mean trouble, but this time she waited for the surprise.
Then we tried it… the most fancy white dress that looked like a princess dress. It was a teeny bit big on me, but it was just the right one. Adalyn smoothed out my hair and brushed it, and then she put on the finishing touch, blue clip-on earrings that made me just like the princesses that I watch. I felt so very pretty.
When I walked down those stairs, just like a princess would in my fancy shoes and earrings and dress, I felt different. I felt so very grown up and big, but I did not know the word for how I felt.
Then Adalyn said it. She said, “Look Mama, doesn’t Dorian look so beautiful?” My Mama said, “Oh Dorian, you are so very beautiful. You look like a princess.” For the first time, I did not argue back. I knew what it meant, and I was… I was beautiful, just like the flowers outside and the stars in the sky. Beautiful is how you feel. Beautiful is flowers and trees and sunshine and mountains and water. Beautiful is me. I am Dorian, and I am beautiful.
See me? I am in the little kid swing at one of the playgrounds near our house. It has a little bucket for me because I’m not quite that good at the “balance” thing yet, and this keeps me from falling. I can hold on and Mama and Daddy can push it so that I am swinging free.
When I am swinging high up, I can’t help but say “weeee” while looking at the sky. I like to think that I am like the birdies or the airplanes. Being free and letting go? They are some of the very best feelings that we can have… and we even when we are little, those moments don’t come around all the time. Embrace them and let everything else go, even for a minute. We can all be like the birds.
Oh, Mama, you are going to be so proud. While you were getting music ready for us to dance together, I was really busy with the marker that I found under the couch. I got the top off of it, and I made art all over your table. See how beautiful it is? Doesn’t the blue go well with that red that you had on there already? It’s a sky, can you see it? It’s just like when we are outside, and now I brought it in for you to see today since the sun didn’t come out to play. I even said, “see?” when you came over because I knew you would be so, so happy with me. That’s my way to show you that I love you, and if you give the marker back– I’m not sure where you put it– I can color all sorts of other things for you, too, and put the sky everywhere.
I know that you loved it, because you said, “ohhhhh shoot” a couple of times when you saw it. You’re welcome, Mama, you’re welcome.
Today we got up really early again, before the sun, but now the time that the sun comes up and goes back to sleep seems like the right time, so I didn’t like it. I liked my warm pillows and comfy bed, but Mama and Daddy seemed like they were in a rush to go and they ran around putting things in things and putting everything in a pile. They got me ready and we rushed out, not even looking back to the last place that we would be before making the long ride home. If it’s anything like the ride there, it’s going to take forever. I bet that I got bigger on the plane sleeping it was so long. We boarded the plane and it was a really big one. People were rushing around to get everything in bins above our heads, and we got seated and took off. Mama and Daddy both seemed pretty down, not like the other ride in the big box full of seats where I could feel how happy they were. This feeling was different, and they said something about being really busy when they got back. I was peaceful sitting in Mama’s and Daddy’s laps, but I felt their sadness just the same, and I kept looking at them to make sure that it was all going to be okay. Mama said it was and that she loved me, and that made me happy. I may not know how to say anything but “Mama” yet, but I know exactly what love is and have since Mama and Daddy first held me. Even though it wasn’t as exciting, I still got to look out the window and see the mountains, the desert, and the fields. After a while we were so high that we were above the clouds. I put my hand on the window trying to see if I could touch them, but I couldn’t. I stared and stared at them though, wondering what they felt like. Mama says that one day I can put my hands in thick fog and that it will feel the same way and that it really was almost like feeling water but not as thick. She says that one day I will feel all sorts of things that I haven’t been able to yet, and she promised me that she would let me experience as much of the world as she could. She says that this will make me understand people and things more and that it is important to know a lot of places to understand that there is a lot of good in our world. I think that she is right, because these clouds are so pretty that I feel calm. All that I know is that the world seems so big that I could never see it all, but Mama says that I have many places to go to find what is supposed to be my own place and that I can see a lot of it. For now though, I am ready to go home and to see everyone and everything that I love so, so much.